Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Mermaid Sex. In the Heartland.

Hello, gentle readers. Since I am a Total Expert, let me explain to those less adept at reading media texts exactly what is going on in Madam Gaga's latest video, for the song "You and I" (you can pry that oumlat from my cold, dead hands, I will never insert it in that title.)

Please, first watch the video:

Now, I know what you're thinking-you're confused. The video doesn't appear, to YOU, to fit the song at all. You don't understand why there are two men, and one of them is Gags in Drag, sitting on a piano, fondling her and looking like the Undead Bob Dylan. You think the cuts are too choppy, and don't let you fully comprehend what you are seeing. Oh, silly, silly media novices. Here, let me break it down for you:

First, you need some context to understand this kind of art. In Nebraska, it is very common to house mermaids in barns (I mean, where else can you keep them?) It started way back when Nebraska was first founded as a territory-British explorers noticed that Nebraska was positively awash with mermaids and corn. So now you can see that this video pays homage to a oft-forgotten, treasured past time of Nebraskans old and new alike; performing experimental procedures on your Barn Mermaids and also having sex with them in pools. If you're wondering about the logistics of mermaid sex and confused about that scene, well, I'm sorry for you. Maybe your parents didn't love you enough to give you the Birds and the Bees and the Mythical Creatures talk when you were a kid.
Naturally, the day came for Barn Lady Mermaid Gaga to fly the proverbial coop, so she set off down a long, dusty road, bought ice-cream and a doll from a creepy guy, and wound up in a scene from the movie Signs. She plays the piano while her drag alter-ego (I found out that she calls him "Jo." Okay) sits on a piano and sloppily drinks and smokes (because that's what boys do, ewwwww) and generally just looks like Adam Golderg/Beetlejuice.



She sings and dances and thinks about the times that she was being mutilated at home in the barn, all the while trying to run through invisible corn and generally make an ass of herself. Also, there's some dancing in the barn where she is not her mermaid self, but is in fetish gear. Because, why not.

The whole video is VERY sophisticated and VERY complex and signifies man's inhumanity to man and things are way too hard to explain, and it's definitely not just because she already had the mermaid thing designed for the "Edge of Glory" video and then abandoned the concept at the very last minute, but then wanted to use it anyway. Definitely. Not. That.